- 1). Listen to your child; he is communicating with you. If he doesn't have language, learn to listen for other signs, behaviors and physicalizations. A child who is banging his head against the brick fireplace is saying something to you in the only way he knows how. Give him more than a helmet; help him figure out what's wrong. He could be hurting badly.
- 2). Follow her interests, regardless of how they appear to you. If ripping up bits of paper and filtering them down through her fingers is what she loves to do, do it with her. Even if she cannot acknowledge it, she will notice it, and this creates connection in a shared interest, which lays groundwork for more. And later, such activities can be gently expanded upon, bringing a new shared connection.
- 3). Find ways to create physical connection that feels good to your child. Whether this is prolonged nursing, offering skin to skin contact or taking a bath with him. Physical touch is yearned for, even if the child is intolerant to most forms of touch. Look for some way to give a satisfying response to that need for touch. If the child is able to tolerate human touch, deep powerful hugs can help, as can squeezing the child's head in your hands, or allowing him to push his head as hard as possible against your hands while you provide resistance. For those kids who cannot tolerate human touch, rolling the child up in a carpet or a squeeze machine will help provide that much-needed sense of touch.
- 4). Determine how to change your child's world if you cannot get your child to fit into the world the way it is now. For example, if a child is having a negative response to a certain therapy room, figure out what in the room might be eliciting the response and change or remove it. It could be a buzzing light, the movement outside a window, excessive noise, even the smell of glue or paint or the chemicals used for cleaning. The child takes priority here, and the environment causing her distress should be changed to accommodate her, or she should be moved into an environment where she is comfortable. This is a radical concept for many, but it is actually recommended by well-known author Dr. Gordon Neufield to re-establish connection with neurotypical children. It holds even more weight for autistic children, for whom the world is a full-on sensory assault. Do not be afraid to demand these changes from those whom the child must deal with every day, including teachers and therapists. Make the world an easier place for her to cope.
- 5). Hold in your mind the idea that your relationship with your child is more important than any other one thing. It is more important than goals that schools or therapists set, what society thinks, what the woman in the checkout line whispered under her breath while your child had a mini-meltdown, or being embarrassed by your child's actions or behaviors. Making your relationship with your child your highest priority doubles its advantage by preventing you from wasting your time worrying about what others are thinking and reacting to and instead doing what's really important and focusing on your child.
- 6). Strive for at least five minutes every day to see the world the way your child sees it. Think about what his perception of the world must be. Imagine a conglomeration of confused sounds, all blended together; imagine lights hurting your eyes and touch setting off a stinging explosion. Imagine thinking without words---in pictures or sounds or feelings. This will help you remember what he is dealing with all the time, without the choice to do so.
- 7). Seek out her joy. What makes her laugh and what makes her squeal in delight? Find those things and do them often. And be sure to share her joy from your heart. Amazing things can happen when joy is deeply shared!
- 8). Assume that your child has the best intentions. Every child, after all, is really trying to do his very best in what are often nearly intolerable situations and with fewer tools than adults. Remember that your autistic child is trying to get his needs met using a small selection of tools. Adding tools to accommodate the child's needs, such as keyboards for teaching nonverbals to communicate, or squish balls to help keep busy hands focused, or swings to help calm and balance the child, will all enhance your child's experience. Assuming good intentions from the onset keeps you in a connected place with your child, even in difficult circumstances and when tools are not readily available.
- 9). Trust your child. Just as you are mindful of yourself---you know yourself, your body, your experiences, feelings and reactions better than anybody else---your child has the same experience. Believe in what your child communicates to you, and trust that she will respond to your connection, appreciate it, love you and reciprocate in her own way, giving you back trust, love and connection to complete the circle.
- 10
Practice "get off your butt" parenting. Be there to intercept and redirect before your child throws sand or is pushed into having a meltdown. Foster communication by stating sentences you believe he would like to say, such as "Wow, I see you really want that toy, don't you? Maybe we can ask for a turn. Let's try asking, OK?" Be his interpreter and his advocate; be active in his experience of life. Your child will get it, even if he cannot speak the words yet to you. He will know you are the very connection through which he will learn to love his life and live in the world.
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