Sometimes it's difficult for parents to know if their struggling student is defiant, insecure, unprepared or lazy.
When homework gets done but not turned in, what does it mean? When a student complains that he doesn't understand the homework, is it "the truth"--or is it a ploy to avoid the effort--or is it a quiet power-struggle? What is a parent to do when homework time becomes an argument, a stand-off or when a child gives up? Defining the reason" that a child is struggling in school or with homework is an important step in determining how a parent should respond.
For example, if a child is unable to grasp the current facts or processes in a current homework assignment because he's missed the foundational information (he's been sick, missed school, or didn't get it when it was presented), it makes sense that he's working at a deficit.
Imagine what it would be like if your boss assigned you a project that was outside of your experience.
How would you react if your pay was docked if you underperformed? Would you try harder--work after-hours to learn what you needed to know--or would you grumble, feel misunderstood and reluctant to perform well? Kids are 95% emotional and 5% rational--that's just a guess! And, although we adults may be able to tackle a problem with our intellect, kids usually just react.
They do what makes them feel good OR they avoid doing what makes them feel bad.
Right this minute! Unlike adults who can often wait for gratification, kids want what they want right now! Therefore, to use a lot of words or explanations is not usually a useful way to encourage kids to behave properly, to do their homework or to get good grades.
Instead, they need to have a feel-good reason right now to press on when they are doing something right now that they don't like to do--like homework.
"Punishment" is useful (sometimes) if a wrong behavior is intentional.
Because kids will do what feels good and avoid what feels bad, punishment often gets an immediate response.
It's handy when you want a kid to truly get the message about playing in the street--right now.
But punishment doesn't work so well if there is a big delay between the behavior and the punishment.
For example, if you tell a child in October that you expect a "B" at semester's end (or else!), he may not be pressed to do his homework (or do it well) tonight.
The outcome is way-off in the future and this moment is right now! To reiterate, kids are 95% emotional and 5% rational.
For them, "Instant gratification" takes too long!!! For punishment to work, it needs to be delivered immediately--and it'll only work for this event or this homework assignment.
Punishment starts or stops an immediate behavior right now.
It does not create long-term learning; it does not usually instill an attitude or behavioral change (unless you're always immediately around to deliver it again and again).
In contrast, "Discipline" is a teaching tool.
The role of parent-as-teacher is to encourage correct behaviors and advance positive attitudes--to result in long-term behavior change.
A parent becomes a "coach" when the intention is to support useful behaviors in which his/her child finds immediate benefit--right now! An effective sports coach typically gets results with discipline rather than punishment-- athletes press themselves for the coach who encourages, cajoles and demands performance because they want to (otherwise, they'd quit the team).
Discouragement and resistance in struggling students will be more effectively reversed if parents and teachers re-frame their behavior.
Most children are not malevolent; their errors in behavior are often an immature childish attempt at problem-solving.
For example, avoiding homework may solve a child's immediate problem, but a child may not see far enough into the future to imagine the likely impending future problem (parent's disappointment, a poor grade, or even a punishment).
If a child purposely "loses" his homework (evidenced by repeated acts), a parent could assume that the misbehavior deserves a punishing consequence.
However, a child could repeatedly "misplace" assigned homework because 1) he is ashamed or embarrassed that it isn't complete or 2) because it is easier to claim "lost" than it is to receive a poor grade and face parental disappointment or 3) because she is immature or disorganized.
For any of these reasons, punishment may further aggravate the situation and cause the child to avoid homework all the more.
Instead using a "discipline" model, the parent-as-coach assists his/her child to examine the behavior, imagine how it will solve the problem, redefine the real problem and create a plan to get the results both the parent and child want.
We think that parenting isn't easy.
But, I'd pose to you that kids think that being a kid isn't easy either.
Encouraging children to make better behavioral choices (regarding Homework, School or LIFE), is a matter of discipline.
It takes looking at "How can I help my child feel good about doing the right thing--right now?" The first step is to see yourself as a parent-coach and not a strict-instructor.
The next step is to envision your child as a mistake-maker and not a bad-kid.
Then it's a matter of helping your kids feel good about their ability to fix their mistakes.
When homework gets done but not turned in, what does it mean? When a student complains that he doesn't understand the homework, is it "the truth"--or is it a ploy to avoid the effort--or is it a quiet power-struggle? What is a parent to do when homework time becomes an argument, a stand-off or when a child gives up? Defining the reason" that a child is struggling in school or with homework is an important step in determining how a parent should respond.
For example, if a child is unable to grasp the current facts or processes in a current homework assignment because he's missed the foundational information (he's been sick, missed school, or didn't get it when it was presented), it makes sense that he's working at a deficit.
Imagine what it would be like if your boss assigned you a project that was outside of your experience.
How would you react if your pay was docked if you underperformed? Would you try harder--work after-hours to learn what you needed to know--or would you grumble, feel misunderstood and reluctant to perform well? Kids are 95% emotional and 5% rational--that's just a guess! And, although we adults may be able to tackle a problem with our intellect, kids usually just react.
They do what makes them feel good OR they avoid doing what makes them feel bad.
Right this minute! Unlike adults who can often wait for gratification, kids want what they want right now! Therefore, to use a lot of words or explanations is not usually a useful way to encourage kids to behave properly, to do their homework or to get good grades.
Instead, they need to have a feel-good reason right now to press on when they are doing something right now that they don't like to do--like homework.
"Punishment" is useful (sometimes) if a wrong behavior is intentional.
Because kids will do what feels good and avoid what feels bad, punishment often gets an immediate response.
It's handy when you want a kid to truly get the message about playing in the street--right now.
But punishment doesn't work so well if there is a big delay between the behavior and the punishment.
For example, if you tell a child in October that you expect a "B" at semester's end (or else!), he may not be pressed to do his homework (or do it well) tonight.
The outcome is way-off in the future and this moment is right now! To reiterate, kids are 95% emotional and 5% rational.
For them, "Instant gratification" takes too long!!! For punishment to work, it needs to be delivered immediately--and it'll only work for this event or this homework assignment.
Punishment starts or stops an immediate behavior right now.
It does not create long-term learning; it does not usually instill an attitude or behavioral change (unless you're always immediately around to deliver it again and again).
In contrast, "Discipline" is a teaching tool.
The role of parent-as-teacher is to encourage correct behaviors and advance positive attitudes--to result in long-term behavior change.
A parent becomes a "coach" when the intention is to support useful behaviors in which his/her child finds immediate benefit--right now! An effective sports coach typically gets results with discipline rather than punishment-- athletes press themselves for the coach who encourages, cajoles and demands performance because they want to (otherwise, they'd quit the team).
Discouragement and resistance in struggling students will be more effectively reversed if parents and teachers re-frame their behavior.
Most children are not malevolent; their errors in behavior are often an immature childish attempt at problem-solving.
For example, avoiding homework may solve a child's immediate problem, but a child may not see far enough into the future to imagine the likely impending future problem (parent's disappointment, a poor grade, or even a punishment).
If a child purposely "loses" his homework (evidenced by repeated acts), a parent could assume that the misbehavior deserves a punishing consequence.
However, a child could repeatedly "misplace" assigned homework because 1) he is ashamed or embarrassed that it isn't complete or 2) because it is easier to claim "lost" than it is to receive a poor grade and face parental disappointment or 3) because she is immature or disorganized.
For any of these reasons, punishment may further aggravate the situation and cause the child to avoid homework all the more.
Instead using a "discipline" model, the parent-as-coach assists his/her child to examine the behavior, imagine how it will solve the problem, redefine the real problem and create a plan to get the results both the parent and child want.
We think that parenting isn't easy.
But, I'd pose to you that kids think that being a kid isn't easy either.
Encouraging children to make better behavioral choices (regarding Homework, School or LIFE), is a matter of discipline.
It takes looking at "How can I help my child feel good about doing the right thing--right now?" The first step is to see yourself as a parent-coach and not a strict-instructor.
The next step is to envision your child as a mistake-maker and not a bad-kid.
Then it's a matter of helping your kids feel good about their ability to fix their mistakes.
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