You too, can fly! Soar over buildings and cities, just to land flat on your face. Propel your body into the air, extend a perfectly pointed leg to the sky, and pancake yourself right into that concrete wall. Gracefully twist your body five feet off the ground mid-flight to ensure you break your fall by breaking your wrists.
A new breed of human – the gymnast – has crashed through the ceiling and taken the world by storm, maintaining a few injuries in the process. "What's broken, black and blue all over? A gymnast of course!" exclaimed Sonya Uphigh, owner and operator of Gymnastics World East. Every new gymnast arrives as a slab of marble, and is repeatedly pulverized with a sledgehammer until their bones finally snap! They enter as solid cubes of nothingness but emerge as contorted works of art.
The gymnastic industry is also implementing a new ranking system. Instead of the previous rankings of F or G correlating with the hardest move, the amount of pain, on a scale of one to ten, the gymnast is in when they perform will determine the hardest move. You always want to aim for a perfect ten. Even more incentive, when one has met the necessary requirements – a loss of one pint of blood, three broken bones, and enough bruises to cover two-thirds of their body – they are photographed and inducted into the Hall of Pain. Previous inductees include Isabelle Severino, Anna Pavlova, Shawn Johnston, and Nastia Liukin, and the unspoken rule is the bloodier the better. To be number one you must have had a bone shard protruding from your skin at one point or another, with the accident preferably occurring on national television. Flip at your own risk!
"As a former professional TV remote clicker, I understand the urge of most Americans to sit on their butts and do nothing all day. I want to encourage those couch potatoes to work hard to become stretchy as string cheese," explained winner of 2013 national championships, Tasha Pulled. "When you work your butt off (literally) you can become an elite level gymnast in no time. Just keep pushing and pushing until eventually, you push so hard you create a hole in the wall from where your body flew into it. I cannot wait for the day when I finally leave my mark on the gymnastics world by an imprint of my teeth (along with an actual tooth, or if I am lucky, two) on the leathery surface of the balance beam. Queen of the beam after all!"
Research shows that the faster a gymnast flips, the easier the move looks. Starting from the spring-loaded ground, in only one millisecond they are balancing on the fingernail of their pinky finger while one leg impossibly twists around their body. They perform an Arabian double front in the laid out position with a double back double twist and all that is visible to the naked eye is a blur. Think you get dizzy spinning your body in a circle for one rotation? Try a three and half twist. It will have your brain rocketing around your skull in no time. "As long as the move is performed at the speed of light, any amateur can imitate the twists and turns, bruises and bone-breaks," stated research assistant Flip Totter. "Sure your bones may snap like toothpicks and your head will spin from rushing blood, but think of how cool it will look!" Even if you end up in an immobilizing full body cast, lying in a hospital bed with both legs held up by wires, at least you know that as people watched you crash and burn they thought, "She looks like a gymnast!"
All you have to do is look the part. Put on that soul-suckingly tight leotard, slick your hair back in a bun so tight it stretches the skin on your face all the way to the nape of your neck, and show off your bloody, bruised, beaten body. It is easy really. Go for the gold! Gold teeth that is, because the best of the best knock theirs out.
A new breed of human – the gymnast – has crashed through the ceiling and taken the world by storm, maintaining a few injuries in the process. "What's broken, black and blue all over? A gymnast of course!" exclaimed Sonya Uphigh, owner and operator of Gymnastics World East. Every new gymnast arrives as a slab of marble, and is repeatedly pulverized with a sledgehammer until their bones finally snap! They enter as solid cubes of nothingness but emerge as contorted works of art.
The gymnastic industry is also implementing a new ranking system. Instead of the previous rankings of F or G correlating with the hardest move, the amount of pain, on a scale of one to ten, the gymnast is in when they perform will determine the hardest move. You always want to aim for a perfect ten. Even more incentive, when one has met the necessary requirements – a loss of one pint of blood, three broken bones, and enough bruises to cover two-thirds of their body – they are photographed and inducted into the Hall of Pain. Previous inductees include Isabelle Severino, Anna Pavlova, Shawn Johnston, and Nastia Liukin, and the unspoken rule is the bloodier the better. To be number one you must have had a bone shard protruding from your skin at one point or another, with the accident preferably occurring on national television. Flip at your own risk!
"As a former professional TV remote clicker, I understand the urge of most Americans to sit on their butts and do nothing all day. I want to encourage those couch potatoes to work hard to become stretchy as string cheese," explained winner of 2013 national championships, Tasha Pulled. "When you work your butt off (literally) you can become an elite level gymnast in no time. Just keep pushing and pushing until eventually, you push so hard you create a hole in the wall from where your body flew into it. I cannot wait for the day when I finally leave my mark on the gymnastics world by an imprint of my teeth (along with an actual tooth, or if I am lucky, two) on the leathery surface of the balance beam. Queen of the beam after all!"
Research shows that the faster a gymnast flips, the easier the move looks. Starting from the spring-loaded ground, in only one millisecond they are balancing on the fingernail of their pinky finger while one leg impossibly twists around their body. They perform an Arabian double front in the laid out position with a double back double twist and all that is visible to the naked eye is a blur. Think you get dizzy spinning your body in a circle for one rotation? Try a three and half twist. It will have your brain rocketing around your skull in no time. "As long as the move is performed at the speed of light, any amateur can imitate the twists and turns, bruises and bone-breaks," stated research assistant Flip Totter. "Sure your bones may snap like toothpicks and your head will spin from rushing blood, but think of how cool it will look!" Even if you end up in an immobilizing full body cast, lying in a hospital bed with both legs held up by wires, at least you know that as people watched you crash and burn they thought, "She looks like a gymnast!"
All you have to do is look the part. Put on that soul-suckingly tight leotard, slick your hair back in a bun so tight it stretches the skin on your face all the way to the nape of your neck, and show off your bloody, bruised, beaten body. It is easy really. Go for the gold! Gold teeth that is, because the best of the best knock theirs out.
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